René Roberts

I’m having a garage sale. It is going to be epic. There will be so much to choose from. It won’t be your average everyday garage sale though – all of my opinions are up for grabs! Now, don’t grab your wallet and rush off. The only currency I’ll accept is ignorance.

So, yes, on sale are all of my opinions. All of my sacred, well-nurtured opinions.

They don’t even need to be dusted off, since I have them on display quite often. I can just see them all stacked in little piles on a table. I think I’ll sort them by relevance. Maybe right at the bottom I’ll have my opinion on politics. Shame, it doesn’t have much substance. It didn’t grow into much since I prefer my dose of corruption, deceit and manipulation in the form of Robin Wright in a tight ass suit just begging to be touched in an episode of House of Cards. So my poor little opinion on politics is a lightweight.

Maybe I can get a little bit more for my opinion on the current state of the economy – not. Have you seen the Careers24 ads where people stuff random crap in their mouths when asked what they do for a living? I get it. It gets me. I don’t bang on my chest and stroke my calculator indecently announcing proudly that I am an accountant. It pays the bills. It does not mean I know why the Rand is weakening. It does not mean that I know the nett worth of the Zuptas. It does not mean I know anything about economic trends, apart from the trend of my credit card balance. Pretty soon those statements will spend some time with the bathroom scale – I’ll put those bitches in the corner until they apologise.

I can’t wait to see what I can get for my opinion on religion. That one is a tricky little bastard. It’s more for an acquired taste. I don’t care for churches and preachers, because I don’t really like rules or being dictated – unless you are Robin Wright in a tight ass suit swinging your whip around and ordering me about. As far as religion goes – random people are my teachers. I always say that some of the most influential teachers I’ve had, taught me without even being aware of the fact. I prefer learning from observing. I’ll watch you live your life and if I see a few gems, I’ll cherish them. I’ve learned some of the most powerful lessons about unconditional love, forgiveness and courage from people who didn’t intend to teach me a thing. My religion is based on the faith I have in the goodness of people. My church has no walls, but it often has two covers – you can find so much comfort and hope in books.

I think I’ll have an entire extensive section dedicated to my opinions on love and its complexities. I’ve been collecting these for quite some time. There’s my opinion on what love is – a personal favourite. Interestingly, this one keeps changing as I get older. It used to be big buddies with my opinion on super-heroes. I used to think they were both just a fragment of my imagination, but then I realised that the problem lies not in the existence of these things, but in our perception of them. Superheroes don’t always wear capes and they can’t always fly. Sometimes they look like my mother, who carries her children with supernatural strength through the flames of depression, loss and despair and wipes her brow lightly like it was nothing. We think of love and the image of a knight on a white horse comes to mind for the straight girls (so lame). For the lesbians, it’s the image of Robin Wright in a tight ass suit and now – carrying a whip. Often, love looks like my partner never tiring of listening to my stories, sharing in my pain and celebrating my victories.

Complementing my opinion on love nicely, would be my opinion on romance and relationships. Again, this one is not sugar-coated either. It’s simple – if you’re relationship requires a certain amount of work you’re in the wrong relationship. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If your relationship requires a certain amount of compromising, you’re in the wrong relationship. If you feel like you need some me-time at times, you’re in the wrong relationship. I told you that it’s not sugar-coated. When you’re in a relationship with your soulmate, everything feels like an adventure, nothing feels like a sacrifice and you feel like half a person without her. Or him for the straight girls (so lame). Romance is passion. You keep exploring and it keeps rewarding. It’s really simple. You keep up the foot rubs, you offer to help with dinner (if she truly loves you she’ll decline), and you don’t let the opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is pass you by. You don’t just buy flowers, you garden with her, even if it’s just so you can wear those funky purple gloves. You don’t have to take her on trips all over the world – just be her home. Straight girls – I have no clue, so you’re on your own here.

I can picture my centrepiece – my opinion on humanity. Ubuntu. A person is a person through other people. On the outside we all look so different – from the colour of our skin to the language we speak. We find shelter in different types of homes and we eat different kinds of food. We dress differently and we find comfort in different religions. On the inside, however, we were all shaped by the same mould. We want to be loved. We want to love. It’s simple. It’s in our nature to complicate the simple things. We wage wars and we destroy each other, because we think we are so different from each other. Really, we are not.

You know what? Now that I’ve taken a stroll through my garage and petted all of my opinions, I think I’ll keep them. You can have your ignorance for yourself.

Indeed, opinions are like assholes – everyone has them.

It’s so much easier to forget about the grizzly asshole if it’s surrounded by just the right amount of cheek.

Just look at Robin Wright.