René Roberts

People generally think that artists create in order to share their passion with the world. We believe that because we are inherently self-absorbed. Whether it’s music, visual art or sculpting – we mostly believe the purpose of art is to beautify our lives.

I don’t think that’s the purpose of art. It’s most definitely a perk of art.

I think art is the process of bringing to life the fantasies of every artist. Whether it’s visual art or creative writing – the product you’re holding in your hand or displaying on your wall is the manifestation of a thought, a dream, a fear, or a desire.

The reclusive author of Fifty Shades of Grey confessed that her house has no Red Room of Pain.

I’m not saying that’s the case with me. I am every bit as cultured, tasteful, and romantic as Angelica, one of the main characters in my not-so-read debut novel. Thanks for nothing folks.

That’s why I decided to surprise my girlfriend with the most romantic outing on Valentine’s Day.

There were no roses. No chocolates. No red ribbon or bubble bath. No massages and no jewels. There was the blistering South African sun, an animated guide and a less than passionate elephant handler. There was a hot cup of water as refreshment and lots of walking. Who says a trip to an elephant sanctuary is not romantic?

Clearly I wasn’t the only person who felt the elephant sanctuary makes for a wonderful date. There were countless other couples waiting in line to interact with the magnificent creatures. There were married couples with their kids, the result of Valentines festivities in the past, tagging along. There was a freshly brewed lesbian couple. You know that it’s brand spanking new by the way they take turns to study each other when they think the other is not watching. You can tell by the way they try hard not to touch each other in public. There’s always that three centimetre gap between their thighs – not touching, but close enough to feel the heat. Fresh lesbo couples keep straight people guessing for hours. Are they sisters? Not the way you might think. Is it weird that the Scissor Sisters song just popped into my head?

There were foreign couples who shoved their way to the front and completely disregarded everyone else and their needs. Why does it always sound like foreign people have hot potato in their mouths? They also always sound so pissed off. It’s all very confusing. There was a mother and daughter whose faces didn’t light up once – they didn’t even chuckle when one of the elephants decided to wait until she was the centre of attention to offload a ton of dung and enough water to save at least half the farmers in the Free State from drought. I’m not sure they were real. I see dead people remember.

There was a family of four – Mom, Dad and two daughters. At first I tried to steer clear of them since you have to walk through the first half of the monkey sanctuary to get to the elephants and I didn’t want the little girls to make a noise and draw the attention of the monkeys. You get phobias and then you get what I have for monkeys.

Years ago I undertook a trip to the Johannesburg Zoo with two of my brothers and our cousins. At the time I had been hopelessly in love. After hours of walking up and down looking for the lions, I decided to take a little break. I rested my butt against a railing, texting the girl that was occupying my every thought and spreading through my blood like a virus. In my left and non-texting hand I held a can of Coke. Love, and sometimes even lust, makes one do very stupid things. By the time I heard the swooshing sound it was too late. The monkey thrusted his hand through the wire of the cage, gripped a handful of my hair and made me his bitch, slamming me into the flowerbed in front of his cage. I spend a few minutes on my back in the muddy flowerbed – yes of course it had been raining for days on end before our trip, because Mother Nature likes making a fool of me – wondering if I should try to get up or just wait for the earth to swallow me. The first thing I saw when I finally gathered enough courage to lift my head was my family clutching their stomachs and laughing hysterically. When I finally managed to get up, I left a perfect indentation of my entire body in the flowerbed and the monkey was back on his deck staring at quite a significant chunk of my hair in his palm. He didn’t get the Coke; I didn’t get the girl.

So my fear of monkeys are as real as Sandra Bullock’s calves and as legit as honeymoon sex, therefore my first priority was to avoid the couple with the kids who would surely attract some unwanted monkey attention with their loud mouths. Eventually, I was so fixated on the elephants that I completely forgot about the monkeys that were probably hiding behind a bush, plotting my demise. We ended up engaging in conversation with the same couple and their loud mouth kids.

Two elephants appeared in the clearing, followed by their two handlers. The guide treated us to a little bit of the history of each elephant. He explained how they ended up at the sanctuary and what their future plans were for each of the elephants. In pairs of two, we were taken into the clearing to engage with the elephants. We were able to touch their ears, tusks, knees, elbows and even the bottom of their feet. We learned a few things about the anatomy of elephants as the guide shared some interesting facts with us throughout the day. The elephant bull was very keen on dishing out sloppy kisses and by the time it was our turn, I was relieved to be directed to the cow instead. I’m no man hater. I absolutely love at least five men. I just didn’t want to walk around with elephant snot on my cheeks for the remainder of our trip.

We took turns to feed the younger elephant bull and take some cool pictures. Finally, it was time for the highlight of the trip: walking with the elephants, trunk in hand. It was probably the most fun I’ve had with my clothes on. The feeling of that warm breath in the palm of your hand and that trunk curled around your fingers is simply indescribable. Lastly, a few people gathered around for the elephant rides – which I do not believe in. I don’t think any sentient being was made for us to ride. Unless they ask nicely and cuddle afterwards. That’s my philosophy and it’s been working quite well for me.

You’ll probably say that there is nothing romantic about a trip to an elephant sanctuary for Valentine’s Day. You’d be wrong.

We were amazed together. We were in the presence of magnificence together.

On my way home I decided that I wish for my partner a trunk strong enough so she can always reach only the sweetest fruit in life. I wish for her tusks strong enough to fend off any danger that may cross her path, but gentle enough to prod in playful moments when her heart is light. I wish for her feet tough enough to absorb the shock of hardships, betrayal, loss and sorrow so she may tread lightly. I promise to lead her to softer pastures when she’s not able to cope with life’s tougher challenges.

In my life she is majestic. Powerful. Magical.

Who knows – maybe next year I’ll take her to the monkey sanctuary for Valentine’s Day. I’m just kidding.