René Roberts

Sometimes I blink rapidly. Just to make sure that I’m not imagining things. The problem is I always find that I’m not. Yes, folks, we are in fact present in the year 2015 and still some of us seem to be fresh from the cave. I’m shocked that some of these people walk upright. Surely, if you want to be authentically primitive and ignorant, you should go back to crawling and hunting your dinner asshole.

A friend posted an article about The Bible and Homosexuality this morning. What crawls out of the woodwork? One of our dear cave dwellers, stick in hand, hair all tousled and beard touching his navel. For the sake of my own sanity and health (I have a tiny little heart problem) I will not get into the article and what it was supposed to accomplish. I’ll narrow it down for you. Unless you are one of those cave dwellers. If you are one of them I’ll ask you politely to fuck off and I’ll implore you to use condoms in future. The world needs less of you and if I suspected that you had more than one brain cell to rub together, I would get into a discussion about Darwin and survival of the fittest. I don’t suspect as much though, so I’ll just say that we can’t afford to wait for natural selection to take its course. Condomise.

There are a tortured few among the gay/lesbian community wrestling with their faith on a daily basis. I don’t find myself among them, simply because I don’t turn to anything outside of me for acceptance. I tend to turn to introspection and self acceptance. I find that I’m less of a dick than some people can be. Toward myself at least. I’ve had my fair share of disabling and hurtful attacks by so-called Christians. Devout Christian people who had no qualms about speaking their minds about the “audacity” that gay people have to enter a church and sit among the holy. Count me out. I’ll sit among my fellow outcasts any day of the week.

The cave dweller feels that he treats everyone equally and I’m so happy for him. Give that man a Bells. Or at least a bell, so that people can hear him coming and walk the other way. It’s never a good idea to surround yourself with idiots. The same cave dweller feels that gay people don’t have the right to shove their lifestyle down his throat. Dear sir, I can think of quite a few other things I’d like to shove in various orifices of your body. I’ll assume you weren’t raised by humans and explain a few things to you.

1) If you think that you’re treating everyone equally, you are mistaken. The fact that you categorize “us” proves my point

2) Lifestyles can’t be shoved down your throat. Other things can. You are making the choice to watch us very closely sir. It’s like watching the National Geographic channel. If you feel that you can’t deal with the scene, don’t watch.

3) If you want to play the religion card you need to think about it carefully. You should take that bible out from under your hairy armpit and look at it in its entirety. Adopting religion is pretty much like adopting a child. You can’t say you’ll have that five-year old boy minus the red hair and freckles my friend. You adopt the entire child and learn to love gingers.

4) With the religion comes its guidelines. Enters the bible. If this becomes your reference guide, it becomes YOUR reference guide. You’ll do well to refer to it as often as you’d like. I suggest you use it to measure yourself and not others.

5) Religion is not spirituality. Don’t confuse my spirituality for religion. Religion is manmade while spirituality is inherent. Religion chooses to focus on sin and spirituality chooses to focus on enlightenment.

6) Gender is biology sir. Love is not bound by science or rules or facts or studies.

7) I spend the hours between ten and six behind closed doors every night. How that affects your life, I’m not sure. I suggest you focus on what goes on behind your own closed door.

8) I lose no sleep wondering how you feel about what I am or do. My responsibility is toward myself. I do what makes me happy. Will you spare a moment on your death-bed wondering if I was fulfilled? No sir, we all owe that to ourselves.

9) If you want to be in control of anything let it be your tongue. I think you’ll find it’s a little tough controlling everyone around you. Don’t wear yourself out.

10) This might come as a shock to you and you probably won’t believe it, but I’m completely and utterly happy. I love my life and all aspects of it. If you crawl out of the cave with the cure for homosexuality one day, please pass me by. I feel no shame. I feel no guilt. I feel no remorse. In fact, in my next life I plan to be a lesbian again. I might even incarnate as your daughter so you can learn a few lessons about judging someone else’s daughter, son, sister, mother, father, brother.

You create your own reality in this life. You don’t need to conform. If you need a set of rules to live by, make up your own. Or you can all adopt mine and be my minions. I’ve always had a sinister obsession with Adolf Hitler. I’ll be your Führer. Our rules will be simple.

1) Live

2) Let live

Okay, I might enforce topless Tuesdays, but it’s negotiable. Thursdays work too.